


I want it to be you.

by Randstrom



Series: Graduation Stories [4]
Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alcohol, Coming of Age, Crushes, F/M, Graduation, Party, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:00:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25964770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randstrom/pseuds/Randstrom
Summary: Sayori has some things to discuss with her childhood friend while attending his graduation party
Relationships: Sayori/MC (Doki Doki Literature Club)
Series: Graduation Stories [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1425706
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, like, last winter, my wife, seeing how much time I was spending working on “Fault,” dared me to write an x-rated fanfic. (Edit- that probably makes me sound really old I'm only 25 aah) At the time, 100% of my DDLC fics were in the same world/timeline, so it only seemed natural for this one to be the same. (I hadn’t even conceptualized "Don’t Panic" yet)  
> The other stories kind of killed the possibilities for ships between the core characters, so I didn’t have many options. In “Fault”, though, MC does mention that he and Sayori had a pact that they would get together if they both happened to be single when the latter finished college, with the vague suggestion that maybe something had happened between them, so I decided to run with that. (I know enough straight smut already exists in the world, and I’m sorry for adding more onto the heap, haha)
> 
> Anyway, it was quite the struggle to write smut and I ended up dropping and coming back to this several times before I could actually finish it. I suppose I’m happy with how it turned out, though. 
> 
> I’ve split it up into two chapters, with the explicit stuff taking place in the second, in case anyone wants to get another piece of the Fault/DDHFC/GraduationStories world without reading about genitals.

"I could be wrong, but you didn't sound too sure of yourself when you said 'okay.' Do you think that's an accurate assessment on my part?"

_ Stupid stupid stupid! What's the point of therapy if you're just going to lie?!? _

"I… uh… yeah, you're right."

I pull my eyes away from the various decorations around the office to look at Ms. Chiho, and she stares back expectantly.

_ I guess it's on me to elaborate… _

"It's just… I don't know. I feel like I'm not getting any better. O-or, I mean, not  _ as better _ as I should be by now."

"What do you mean by that?" She asks.

"Well… I've been seeing you for over a year now, and I had already been seeing the councillor at my school for a couple months before I came here. I think things have improved somewhat, but I'm just… I don't know."

_ You do know, you coward, stop avoiding it. _

Before Ms. Chiho can speak again, I continue,

"I feel like... if I'm really fixable, I should be  _ a lot _ better by now. Like… I shouldn't still be spiraling to the point that I think about killing myself at least once a week. I shouldn't still be doubting that my friends and family actually  _ love _ me so often."

"'Should,' huh?" she replies. "There's that word again."

"R-right. Expectations. I'm just imagining high expectations that nobody actually has for me."

Ms. Chiho smiles back. "There's no due date on your health, Sayori. It may not feel like much, but looking back on this past year, I think you've made a lot of progress." 

She holds out fingers as she begins to list things off. "You've gotten treatment for yourself in the first place, which is  _ huge _ . You've opened up to your  _ parents _ , your  _ friends _ , your  _ brother and sister _ … you've started meditating and keeping a journal… You've begun to recognize and then actively combat the negative thought patterns that influence your feelings and actions." She adjusts her glasses as she continues."Just because you don't always beat them… it doesn't mean you aren't trying. You've been putting in a ton of work every day, and I'm sure everyone is proud of you."

"I guess…"

"You're doing well, Sayori. Please trust that I know what 'doing well' looks like, it's my job!" Ms. Chiho makes a goofy smirk while gesturing at her desk, and I can't help but smile back.

Her face quickly turns more serious, though. "But let’s circle back to those expectations for a second. Y’know, depression… it's not always something that can be  _ cured _ , so to speak. Especially in cases like yours, where it's been around since you were a child... It's often something that waxes and wanes, but is always  _ there _ in one way or another. I'm not saying this to bum you out, just… you shouldn't feel down on yourself just because it hasn't completely disappeared. It's something that needs to be  _ managed _ , and I think you've been  _ managing _ very well."

I look up to meet her eyes, before she smiles at me once more, continuing, "If there's anything that you've been holding back on, saying something like 'I'll do it once I'm better,' I'd consider just  _ going for it _ . Because you  _ are  _ better, and you're going to keep getting better."

* * *

The rest of the session is fairly normal. Afterwards, I meet up with my mom in the waiting room. She's been coming here with me, on days when she doesn't have important meetings at work, to give me a pep talk of sorts before I go in. I always get really anxious just before my sessions, so it really helps.

"How was it?" she asks as I approach.

"It was… standard, I guess?"

She stands up and we walk out of the building together.

"Okay. Why don't we stop for lunch on the way home? You can tell me about it then, if you want. Uh, you don't  _ have to _ , though."

"Okay," I reply, "but I want something small-ish. I'm saving room so I can gorge myself at Emmy's party tonight."

Mom looks away for a moment. "Okay, just don't overdo it. And don't drink too much. And don't leave your glass unattended, alright?"

"Mom, it's MC. He's having me and, like, eight other people over, and most of them are my friends."

"Oh," she looks relieved. "So not like that Monika girl's graduation party with a hundred kids-"

"No, of course not!"

"Okay. Well… it's good that you're not gonna be drinking on an empty stomach, but... just remember that eating too much and drinking too much are both things that can lead to throwing up."

"Jeez mom," I smile at her. "I'm starting to have questions about your prescription of me."

"You mean perception, hon?"

_ Dammit, stupid words. And she's just worried about me after what I did at Monika's— I shouldn't argue. _

"Yeah. But I don't plan on getting _ that drunk _ ever again; I promise. I just… didn't know my limits then, but now I do. So you don't have to worry. Besides, even back then, I didn't barf or black out or anything, I just tripped down the stairs."

".......Alright, sweetie. I... trust you.” She takes a long pause. “So… how about we get croissants at that café by the river park?"

"Ooh that sounds nice! Oh, and is it okay if I sleep over at Emmy's?"

"I guess so. Just, like I said, be careful."

I nod back. There  _ are _ some things that I've been holding back on, like Ms. Chiho said, and I want some alone time with him to discuss them.

* * *

MC's 'party' is about as lively as I expected. Half of the small group is made up of literature club members (both present and former) but there are also two of the boys he occasionally spent time with in school, and two of his co-workers from the gas station. The gathering is half graduation party (a little late now at the end of the summer) and half to celebrate his new apprenticeship (and the end of his fuel-service employment).

The festivities boil down to everyone cramming around the dining room table, engaging in varied conversation and card games while devouring large bowls full of snacks. Most of us have been drinking responsibly, though Natsuki and Emmy's coworker Dom are both a bit plastered. Yuri left a couple hours ago, overwhelmed by the 'crowd,' but now it's about time for everyone else to head out.

"And inside I'm like, you  _ stupid bitch _ , don't yell at me! It was the government that passed the law about charging for bags!" Natsuki rants. "It's not the store's decision, and even if it was, the fuck am I gonna do? I-I'm- *hic* just a stupid cashier! 'Course I can't say any of it out loud, but... Ugh I can't wait till they let me work at the bakery instead of the registers."

"Right?" MC adds. "Like, one time this dude absolutely lost it at Dom because the pump denied his card. Remember, dude?"

"Huh?" Replies his spaced-out coworker, "uh, sure…"

MC looks back at him, concerned. "Hey man, are you okay? Do you need to crash here?"

Beans! The busses have long since stopped, and Dom doesn't really look good enough to walk home, but I  _ really _ wanted to spend some alone time with Emmy...

"Oh, actually," Monika interrupts, "I only had a couple drinks, and I stopped hours ago so I'd be good to drive home. I can help out if anyone needs a lift."

_ Yes yes yes thank you Monika!  _

"Natsuki, you're definitely not walking home like that," Monika says. 

"I'm fiiine. What are you my mom? I can take- ...care of myself," Natsuki burps mid-sentence as she protests.

"Shut up and get in the car, you brat," Monika orders with a mischievous smirk. "We can't have a piss drunk  _ highschool student _ wandering halfway across the city alone."

Natsuki, one of two attendees to whom the label of "highschool student" still applies, tries to stand up in defiance, but ends up nearly falling over.

"Besides, if some creep doesn't get you, the cops might, then MC's dad will be in trouble, since this underaged drinking happened in his unattended townhouse." Natsuki grumbles as Monika tries to help her and Dom to the door. "C'mon, Kay, I'll drive you too," Monika offers to the youngest literature club member, who obediently follows. 

After a few minutes of goodbyes, the rest of MC's friends filter out, leaving just the two of us. Emmy starts cleaning up, throwing the empty bottles and cans into a trash bag and setting the partially empty ones off to the side, so I help him. (We're both a little buzzed, so progress is slower than it should be.) MC seems off though; he was smiling and laughing all night, but now he looks… dejected.

"You okay, Emmy? You look sad."

"Huh? Oh, uh… I… I don't know. I just… it's really over, isn't it? It doesn't feel real."

I can tell he's talking about more than just the party. A whole era of our lives is ending.

"Yeah, it's crazy, right?" I comment. "In less than a month I'll be moving to an apartment in the capitol for college and you'll be working your apprenticeship."

At that, he stops cleaning and sits down, placing a hand over his face. "I don't want you to go, Sayori. O-or… I mean... I'm happy for you, a-and I want you to pursue your goals, but God, I'm gonna miss you."

I sit down beside him and rub comforting circles into his back. "You'll make it. You're gonna be so busy working to become a big, jacked  _ construction man _ that you won't even notice I'm gone!" I joke. It manages to get a half-smile.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I wouldn't count on it. We're not like a build-a-house construction company. I'll be doing stuff like flooring and roofing, so don't expect to see me lifting I-beams."

"Aww no fair! How are you supposed to sweep me off my feet if you don't get swole?" I tease, tickling his side.

"Uh… yeah, about that… we still haven't talked again about…  _ us _ ... since last year..."

_Wow, I didn't realize it had already been that long._ Looking back, the last time we talked about our relationship was when we were prepping for Yuri's graduation last spring. But hey, this is what I've been wanting to chat with him about, and I didn't even have to be the one to bring it up!

"Yeah, that's right." I swallow. "I… I still... have feelings for you, but I don't know if it would be best to start something when I'm about to move away for five years."

MC winces as I mention the length of time. I'm enrolling in an accelerated masters degree program for early-childhood education. I didn't think I was going to be accepted, but the admissions person who interviewed me was really impressed by the story of how I turned my grades around at the end of my second year of high school and kept them up for my third, so it worked out.

"What about you?" I ask. I can feel my heart pounding like a fish flopping on a bass drum.

"W-well, I still have the same warm fuzzy feelings for you, but... I'm starting to feel something similar for both Yuri and Nat, spending so much time with them. Not as strongly as with you, but… it's all really confusing. I think I still want to try being with you, but... I don't know if this means I'm in love with all three of you, or if it's all just platonic feelings and I haven't experienced the  _ romantic  _ kind of love yet, or if I'm even capable of that, or..." 

Saying that makes me jealous would be a tremendous understatement. It feels like he just shot lemon juice into my eyeballs. I need to keep it together, though, so we can continue the conversation. It seems like something he's been anxious about for a while, and he's just being honest with me— I’d rather hear this than have him lie to me.. __

_ Besides, what I've been waiting to suggest isn't any less jealousy-inducing. _

"Oh… uh, alright. Well I was thinking that since we're going to be apart for so long, maybe we should... try dating other people. I think I'm ready to start exploring relationships, and my sexuality and everything, and college is the perfect opportunity for that." I take his hand in mine. "And I think it would be a good idea for you to do the same. That way, if we do end up together down the line, we'll have  _ experience _ , and, like,  _ maturity _ and stuff. I don't want you to just, like,  _ wait _ for me, okay?'

Emmy stares back at me, processing, then slowly nods. "O-okay. I... guess that makes sense…" He looks a little hurt. Honestly, it hurt me to say it, but I really think it's the best plan.

"How about this— if both of us happen to be single when I finish school, we'll give it a go. But only if you  _ actually _ date other people while I'm gone. Is that alright?"

He stares at me for a long moment, then replies, "Y-yeah, I think so," breaking eye contact.

"Good! Then it's a deal! Now if you'll come over here for a minute…" I lead him into the living room, still grasping his hand, and sit him down on the sofa. 

"I'm... a twenty-first century gal and all," I say in a silly 1920’s accent. "I'm not gonna let antiquated ideas like 'purity' stop me from exploring my sexual side while I'm dating but…"

I fish the condoms I brought with me from my pocket as I climb onto his lap. "For my first time… I want it to be someone who I know is super special to me. I want it to be you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In “Fault” I touched on MC struggling to figure out whether he’s romantically attracted to all three of Sayori, Yuri, and Natsuki, or aromantic, having only platonic love for them. I thought this would be a good opportunity to tie that together with what happened in “I Love You So Much!”


	2. Chapter 2

"S-Sayori, what are-"

I interrupt him with a kiss. It's forceful and a little sloppy, but he can't resist returning it. I gently bite his lip, tugging as I pull away, and wrestle him down so that he's lying on his back on the couch. Still straddling his lap, I take off my shirt. I got a really cute new bra this week, and I'm excited for him to see me wearing it, since it's really flattering.

"You're okay with this, right?" I whisper.

After a moment of hesitation, MC nods back at me, wide eyed. By this point I can feel that he's hard through his jeans.

"Good. Cuz I want you. Kind of a lot." I kiss him again. A part of me somewhere in the back of my head is screaming at me that I don't deserve this. That I'm taking advantage of him. That I'm being selfish. But I'm able to push past it with the combined support of  _ general teenage horniness  _ and therapy.

With a moment's struggle I manage to unbutton his pants and scooch off of him, so he can undress. While he's at it I try to separate the two condoms along the perforated edge between them, but it ends up going sideways and tearing one of the packets open.  _ Well I guess this is the one we're using then… _

I look back over at him and…  _ whoa _ . 

I don't look at porn very often, but I have on occasion— I know what dicks look like, and while his isn't exceptionally large, seeing it in person is… intimidating. I've never stuck anything  _ up inside there  _ while touching myself besides my middle finger, and this is  _ a lot _ fatter. I shake my head to calm my nerves. I can see on his face that my staring is starting to make him insecure.

Closing the distance between us, I softly kiss MC where his shoulder meets his neck. I've always wanted to do that. I inhale the scent of his skin and his hair and move up to whisper into his ear, "I love you, Emmy."

"S-Sayori… I love you too."

Pulling away with a smile, slip out of my shorts and underwear, and unroll the condom onto him with near perfect execution (thanks to the hours I spent watching educational sex videos after my therapy session). Now naked, save for my bra, I climb onto his lap again.

"A-are you ready?" I ask. 

If I was standing up right now, my legs would be shaking like crazy. I can hear the pounding of my heart resonating in my head as he nods back at me. 

I lean forward, reaching a hand beneath to guide his penis into me, as I lower myself back down. It hurts a lot more than I thought it would. I broke my hymen playing kickball in middle school gym class, so I didn't think my first time having sex would be painful, but I guess I was wrong. I must have moved too fast.

_ Maybe I should have brought lube?  _

As I adjust my position, though, and begin to gently move my hips, the pain gradually subsides, and gives way to something wonderful. MC's hands tightly grip the couch cushions below him as he lets out a shaky, shuddering breath. His eyes are shut tight.

_ Is he fantasizing about someone else? Does he not want to look at me? _

I have these mean thoughts for a moment, but then I remember how quickly he got hard when I kissed him. And that he's a boy. And that he's a virgin. He must be trying not to jizz right off the bat.

Smiling at the thought, I make a mental note to move slowly, and avoid overstimulating him. I don't want him shooting his load and going soft before I can finish, after all. Going slow feels nice though. Everything feels so… warm. Not just the physical heat of our bodies against one another, but something _ more _ — like I'm being totally enveloped in warm water.

There's also warmth on the inside, like a hot, glowing ember in my gut. As I push myself harder against him, I move my hips in a circular motion and reach down to touch my clit. The ember starts to spark. (According to some of the videos I watched, there are women who can cum without clitoral stimulation, but they're pretty rare, and I'm certainly not one of them.)

With one hand firmly on his chest, I switch between grinding against him and bobbing up and down every... thirty seconds or so, maybe? It's honestly kind of hard to tell how much time is passing. Every once in a while I lean down to kiss him on the mouth or on the neck, and everything is just… amazing.

It feels like I'm approaching a tipping point. 

"A-are you close?" I ask, feeling the heat intensify as the ember glows brighter and brighter. Emmy nods his head, with a strained look on his face. He must be trying so hard to hold out for me.

"M-me too. Let it out. Cum in me."

He opens his eyes, and for a brief moment they look me up and down, before rolling back. He twitches a little and lets out a heavy breath, almost like a cough, as he finishes. I can feel him swell inside me for those few seconds, and it pushes me over the edge.

The ember gradually blossoms into a fire, then explodes like crackling fireworks across my whole body. I shudder and gasp, jerking forward involuntarily as the tingling radiates out to my extremities. I push down against him so hard that I might actually be hurting him a little bit.

It comes in waves and aftershocks for several seconds before dying down. Breathlessly I collapse onto MC, laying my face against his sweaty chest as it heaves up and down. It would normally gross me out but for some reason, in this moment, I kind of like it.

  
I feel like I should say something, but all I can do is smile. Physically, it was an okay experience. Sure, the orgasm felt a little bit better than masturbation, but not  _ that much  _ better, and it kind of hurt at the beginning too… But emotionally, it felt so…  _ fulfilling _ . It felt so  _ special _ to share our first experience together, and I'm so happy I worked up the courage to ask for what I wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is, my best attempt at smut. My own experience is limited to that of someone with AMAB physiology, but I did my best to be abstract enough and consider things my wife has mentioned over the years when writing Sayori’s perspective. I also tried to work in some sex-positive details and factoids that might help combat some unrealistic expectations set by pornography. Hopefully they weren’t too jarring.


End file.
